help me put my mind to rest

dreams; my saving grace

Almost every article I have read, the author has talked about experiencing depression in the past — rather than talking about it when they are currently sitting in the trenches. That’s the problem with depression. You lose how to use language. You can’t possibly think about an eloquent way to describe the hole that you are in, while society is moving at the same constant speed, as are your expectations as a contributing member of society. You lose how to logically make sense of things, despite the intelligence you have (you’re just unable to tap into it). You lose touch with your past aspirations, successes, and perspectives. You can’t visualize your future. You are simply stuck in your emotional present and the feeling sets in that you are going to feel this way… forever.

The blank days start to roll in without warning. The desire for the nighttime exceeds what may come in the daylight because sleep offers the greatest escape from reality. The weight of the world sitting on your chest begins to erode. But, then guilt consumes you that you have “wasted” yet another day. And you start to wonder when the next “light” day will come.

Dreams are the strangest thing. Although I know they simply contain your past experiences, thoughts, and emotions, most often combined with the last thing you saw or thought about before you went to bed – they have been one of the larger parts of my healing process this time around. When I dream, I am never depressed. I’m not sad. I’m not anxious. I’m not waiting around to feel better. I’m just me. I remember the positive qualities that I embody. Something that when I’m depressed is offline.

I’m doing a new type of therapy right now called EMDR. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing is a psychotherapy approach that was first used to treat PTSD, and is now being used in a vast range of people. In my scenario, my therapist confirmed that I would be a good candidate to start the eight phase process. Her clinical approach has helped me to understand what exactly is going on in my brain — rather than just feeling like I’m crazy or I’m creating this all in my mind. Shew! Isn’t that crazy? To start to question if you’re making this all up in your mind – just to try and invalidate your feelings and make yourself feel more guilty that life is just a little heavier for you right now.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean it is not real?” –The Deathly Hallows

My first session with my new therapist really helped me see clinically what was going on in my depressed brain. Rather than functioning like someone not living with depression, my right and left hemispheres were (are) not functioning in the same manner. Instead of having both hemispheres “online” and firing to one another, my left hemisphere is unfairly stuck in survival mode.

I dream to operate like myself again. I refer to it as firing on all four cylinders.

“There is no force more powerful than a woman determined to rise.”

All of these thoughts, this clarity, returned again after dreaming. I’ll wake up soon.

reflecting to remember

Finally sitting down to reflect on the revelations that Electric Forest brought me this year. With the headspace that I have been in the last four months, there were several times, I doubted my want to go to the Forest this year — fearful that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it in the manner that I so desperately needed. I worried if I would be depressed, anxious, and questioning if I was having fun the entire time. Throughout my last couple of months of therapy, the forest has served as my “calm place”, in which I have thought about to suppress anxious feelings that flood out into my mind about where I “should be” in life by now, financial and job insecurities, and comparing myself to where others are in their lives. When I think of Electric Forest… I think about community, magic, beauty, playful freedom, and my authentic self. I value the beauty of the landscape, the smell of the pine tree forest, the magic of everyone feeling alive, unafraid of the judgment of the world, and the unapologetic liberty to be who they really are. I came back from EF this year feeling cleansed. It restored my feelings about the things I so deeply desire in my life to feel connected to my true self, to Chris, my friends, to nature’s abundance solitude, and the small joyous moments that add up to the wholeness of my life. Thank you, Electric, for once again restoring my faith in humanity, my strength, and my outlook on this wild and wonderful world. Here’s a glimpse of a few of my very favorite times, in which I stopped long enough to capture the magic around me.

still i’ll rise

Depression is scary.

Depression is understanding the fragility and vulnerability of life so intimately. Depression is hiding, distancing yourself from those you love and care for not to worry them too much. Depression is all encompassing — a mystery of sorts. It’s crying out in your heart and your soul, but trying to hide behind a half smile and the little amount of make up you can muster up the energy to put on. Depression hurts so bad. It is isolating, no matter how often you reassure yourself of the fullness and beauty of your own life.

The family who loves every ounce of you even if this is your normal right now, your friends who squeeze you without passing an ounce of judgment or making you feel like you’re any different, your significant other who oh my goodness deals with the weight and the brokenness every single day and promises that you’re not broken, when every part of you believes differently. Depression is stripped clarity. It’s forgetting who you are, entirely. It’s forgetting about the beauties and intricacies of life that made you happy to be alive. The sunrises that used to make you cry because of the pure beauty and the magnitude of the earth that you felt so deeply connected to; but depression makes you want to hide away from during a nap to just stop hurting for a little — or worse, feeling nothing.

Depression is the facade you put on for your friends on a night out for dinner because can’t a girl just pretend to feel like herself? Depression is not my friend.

Depression is deemed the silent killer because it’s NOT talked about. It’s still taboo to a degree, but we are getting better! The craziest thing is it feels so embarrassing to even admit that I have been suffering again for months. Even when I know, I shouldn’t be embarrassed. I didn’t wake up one day and pray that this would happen to me.. but I’ve woken up every day for the last 3.5 months praying it would go away again. Depression strips all of your clear and pleasant thoughts away in the slyest of manners. The forgetfulness sets in, the inability to plan or remember. You start to think “these are really my thoughts” or “I’m going to feel like this forever”! Depression is the fear that clear thoughts like these will soon disappear and the fog will set in. It’s feeling hopeless in a conversation with just one other person because you don’t know what to say — it’s feeling more at ease in a group because the attention is diverted away from you.

Depression is scary.

I am having the longest amount of clarity I have had in months, after a vivid dream. Oh I pray so hard to dream so I can feel like myself! I dreamt of myself spending Christmas with my family after sharing the night before how sick my soul really was and feeling the weight shed off of me, as I understood the magnitude of sharing with those around me and my therapist, the realness of why it hurts so bad.

In an effort to cleanse, and remain so very close to the ones that matter to me the most — I have decided to start a blog! ✏️Mostly for my own healing, and to reach those that might be struggling as well and just need to read that someone has felt or is feeling the same way. You are not alone. Let me repeat that! This illness makes you feel so isolated, but you are NOT alone. I believe one of my greatest barriers to wellness is silence, and I refuse to keep quiet any longer.

If you have read this far ahead, thank you. I love you all.

Still I’ll rise. 🌞