still i’ll rise

Depression is scary.

Depression is understanding the fragility and vulnerability of life so intimately. Depression is hiding, distancing yourself from those you love and care for not to worry them too much. Depression is all encompassing — a mystery of sorts. It’s crying out in your heart and your soul, but trying to hide behind a half smile and the little amount of make up you can muster up the energy to put on. Depression hurts so bad. It is isolating, no matter how often you reassure yourself of the fullness and beauty of your own life.

The family who loves every ounce of you even if this is your normal right now, your friends who squeeze you without passing an ounce of judgment or making you feel like you’re any different, your significant other who oh my goodness deals with the weight and the brokenness every single day and promises that you’re not broken, when every part of you believes differently. Depression is stripped clarity. It’s forgetting who you are, entirely. It’s forgetting about the beauties and intricacies of life that made you happy to be alive. The sunrises that used to make you cry because of the pure beauty and the magnitude of the earth that you felt so deeply connected to; but depression makes you want to hide away from during a nap to just stop hurting for a little — or worse, feeling nothing.

Depression is the facade you put on for your friends on a night out for dinner because can’t a girl just pretend to feel like herself? Depression is not my friend.

Depression is deemed the silent killer because it’s NOT talked about. It’s still taboo to a degree, but we are getting better! The craziest thing is it feels so embarrassing to even admit that I have been suffering again for months. Even when I know, I shouldn’t be embarrassed. I didn’t wake up one day and pray that this would happen to me.. but I’ve woken up every day for the last 3.5 months praying it would go away again. Depression strips all of your clear and pleasant thoughts away in the slyest of manners. The forgetfulness sets in, the inability to plan or remember. You start to think “these are really my thoughts” or “I’m going to feel like this forever”! Depression is the fear that clear thoughts like these will soon disappear and the fog will set in. It’s feeling hopeless in a conversation with just one other person because you don’t know what to say — it’s feeling more at ease in a group because the attention is diverted away from you.

Depression is scary.

I am having the longest amount of clarity I have had in months, after a vivid dream. Oh I pray so hard to dream so I can feel like myself! I dreamt of myself spending Christmas with my family after sharing the night before how sick my soul really was and feeling the weight shed off of me, as I understood the magnitude of sharing with those around me and my therapist, the realness of why it hurts so bad.

In an effort to cleanse, and remain so very close to the ones that matter to me the most — I have decided to start a blog! ✏️Mostly for my own healing, and to reach those that might be struggling as well and just need to read that someone has felt or is feeling the same way. You are not alone. Let me repeat that! This illness makes you feel so isolated, but you are NOT alone. I believe one of my greatest barriers to wellness is silence, and I refuse to keep quiet any longer.

If you have read this far ahead, thank you. I love you all.

Still I’ll rise. 🌞